During yet another of my far-too-long commutes, I was doing what I usually do. By that I mean I was catching up on my podcast listening. One of the podcasts was from the Major Spoilers network, entitled Top Five. The panel humorously goes through various top five lists, such as Top Five Hot Items that Taste Great Cold, to Worst Nightmares.
This particular episode grabbed me in a big way – Top Five Villains We Would Not Like To Meet. I think that’s something everyone can relate to. You might read about someone, or see the character in a movie, and think “Aw Hell Naw”. So after digesting yet another of Stephen Schleicher’s dead-on impersonations (it was like Hannibal Lecter was right in the room! Really!) (Editor’s Note — Okay not really.) I decided to put together my own Top Five list.
Number Five: Wolfgant Krauser from Fatal Fury 2 – The New Battle
Wolfgang Krauser is a German nobleman and certifiable killer. He`s twelve shades of badass in the video game, but my first introduction to this noble douche was in the anime Fatal Fury 2 – The New Battle. He starts off the movie by smacking down Terry Bogard, the Best fighter in the World, so badly that Terry is terrified of the dude. To avenge his friend (and to see if he can recover Terry’s balls), Thai Kickboxing/Wrecking Machine Joe Higashi sets out to confront Krauser and make him pay for what he did to his good buddy.
Things do not go according to plan, unless the plan was for Krauser to shove Joe’s head up his own ass. In that case, the plan worked perfectly.
I would not want to meet this guy because Krauser is the kind of ass who knows he is better than you, has no problem telling you he is better than you, and if you happen to be stupid enough to press the matter he’ll prove he is better than. Often with hilariously painful results.
Number Four – Facehugger from the movie Alien/Aliens/Etc
There is so much wrong with the Facehugger. If you met this thing, there would be no chit chat. No witty banter. No nothing. All you’d hear is a scuttling sound, like a nightmarish crab fueled by Red Bull and terror. Next thing you know, you’re greeted by a flying space vagina heading directly at your face. (Editor`s Note — this is not code for some kind of Star Trek / Captain Kirk erotic fanfic)
Suddenly it grabs your head with its powerful legs, coils its tail around your neck, and it thrusts its love tube down your throat to pump its payload deep inside you. When it has finished its dirty business, it falls off and dies. A little while later, you die too via an unholy bastard alien child bursting through your chest.
That`s right – Space face rape. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Number Three – Bullseye from the comic Thunderbolts
Depending on who is writing him, Bullseye is many different degrees of killer – from mercenary to assassin. He prides himself on being able to kill you with anything he can get his hands on. Anything. Paperclip, popcorn kernel, a Nerf bat. If it is in his hands, he can turn it into a lethal weapon and you will be perished. But don’t for a second be misled into thinking he needs a weapon to kill you. No, he’ll break your neck with his bare hands if it comes right down to it. And he will find a reason for it to come right down to it.
I wouldn’t want to meet Bullseye, and not just because he’s a sociopath. It’s because killing makes him feel more than human. Godlike, if you will.
I don`t just like it. I`m not just good at it. I`m not going to tell you it`s my art form or some crap like that.
When I kill someone, I get stronger.
My head goes light. All the weight drops away from me. My heart runs faster. And there`s no strain. Everything becomes sweet and easy. I`m stronger, faster. There’s no gravity. I can see further. I know everything.
Every time I kill someone, I become more like God. Can you imagine? He creates, I take away.
Your death is his drug of choice. Just Say No to Drugs, and being killed by sharp metal objects.
Number Two – Doomsday, from Superman
Where do I begin with this one? I mean, how do you describe someone – or something – like Doomsday? Super strength. Super speed. Merciless. Damn near unstoppable, and if something does put him down he comes back resistant to whatever stopped him in the first place. He kills because he can. And oh by the way, he BEAT SUPERMAN TO DEATH.
Really, need I say more? Doomsday killed the Man of Steel. He gives zero shits about regular folk. Chances are, if you saw him and he was in the mood for some killing (and really, when isn’t he), you’d explode in a red mist of pain and flesh chunks before you even saw him move.
Number One – The Gentlemen, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s episode Hush
Allow me to paint you a picture. You’re walking down the street one night, humming away and minding your own business, when suddenly you go mute. Completely. Your feet scuff the pavement, but your humming has stopped. Odd, you think to yourself. And think to yourself is all you can do, because when you try you find yourself unable to utter a single sound. Not even a grunt escapes past your confused, twisted lips.
Suddenly the silence is broken by rapidly approaching footsteps. You turn around, only to find yourself being tackled by straightjacket-wearing maniacs. You try to fight them off, silently trying to call out for help which only seems to excite them more. The madmen swarm you, holding you down on the ground by your arms and legs and tearing your shirt open. Still your mouth works itself silly, crying out wordlessly.
That’s when you see them floating towards you. Sunken eyes stare down at you, steel teeth grinning an impossible smile. They look like pale, emaciated morticians which actually turns out to be fairly accurate. They hover around you, and one of them produces a long, thin scalpel. In a few moments, that scalpel will cut into your flesh and continue to cut until they retrieve your heart.
You will die in agony, your warm arterial blood spraying everywhere like a crimson fountain, and screaming as silently as a grave.
These are the Gentlemen, and they are the stuff of nightmares.
* * *
Well that’s my Top Five. Head over to their site via the link at the top of my post and tell them your own top five villains. Thanks to the Major Spoilers crew for coming up with it!